


The Runaway

by Rumaan



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Friendship, Romance, Sibling Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-06 20:16:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11608149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rumaan/pseuds/Rumaan
Summary: Sana left five years ago, unable to take the pressure of her world collapsing around her. But now she's back and having to face everything she ran from before.





	The Runaway

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mango22](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mango22/gifts).



> This was written for a prompt from @thickskinandelasticheart which was: “I THOUGHT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD. FOR FIVE YEARS. WHY ARE YOU ON MY FRONT DOORSTEP. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN. WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME CRY LIKE THIS I HATE THAT I LOVE YOU AND WHY DID YOU EVEN LEAVE IN THE FIRST PLACE” (yes she left it as all caps in my inbox!).
> 
> This was meant to be around 1k words as most of my prompt fills but ending up growing and growing into this! Hope you like the monster you inspired, Zifu!
> 
> Also, this doesn't reach the epic angst levels of fics like Mistakes cos I'm such a fluffy writer so this is more angst-lite.

Sana was nervous as she heard the laughter spilling out from the front room from behind the closed front door. It had been so long since she had stepped foot in this building – in her home.

_Is it truly your home anymore?_ A small voice in the back of her mind asked and she hated the fact that she questioned whether it was or not. Whether she’d spent too much time away for it to actually count as her home anymore.

Maybe it would once she had gotten over her nerves, actually used her keys and stepped over the threshold once more. It had been five long years since she had last been here. Five years of her family coming up to visit her as she refused to step foot in Oslo. She hadn’t been able to. Not after everything that had happened.

But now she was back; potentially for good depending on how she felt. She wanted to come back, had all but secured her transfer from the Norwegian University of Science and Technology to the University of Oslo after her mum had broken down during their visit during Christmas Break and begged her to consider coming home once more. She hated to see her mum in tears, to see her dad look so sadly at her and Elias…Elias had just turned pleading eyes on her and said how much he missed his basketball partner.

And Sana had missed them, too. More than she had thought possible. Their visits to Trondheim and facetiming wasn’t enough to satisfy the need to be with her family. And sure, she’d had Hicham and Jamilla up in Trondheim but it wasn’t the same. She also felt at times like she was trespassing in their home. The annoying sister who had run away from her problems and stayed five years too long. Not that they would ever tell her that.

Taking a deep breath, she slid her key into the lock, said a _du’a_ for anxiety and opened the door.

Memories overwhelmed her for a moment and she felt she was seventeen again and coming home from a day out with the girls. Shoes lay littered around the front door with jackets piled on the chair next to it and it was like nothing had changed. She could hear Elias and his friends in the book room messing around and tears flooded her eyes.

Fiercely blinking them back, Sana pulled her suitcase in through the front door and debated whether to go in and let Elias know she was here or just make an escape to her bedroom. She wasn’t sure she could face his friends again. Not after everything and besides Yousef was most likely there and she was sure she couldn’t face him.

It was insane how her heart still pounded at the thought of his name. She hadn’t seen him for five years but yet he still had the ability to affect her like no one else. All Jamilla’s efforts to set her up with cute guys in Trondheim had failed. Every time they had asked her out all she could picture was Yousef smiling widely at her and asking if she was looking into his eyes or doing dorky dance moves to try and distract her when they were playing basketball or teaching her how to peel a carrot.  She should have been over him, should have moved on from this ridiculous crush but Sana had always been stubborn to a fault and it seemed her heart was no different.

However, the decision on what to do next was taken out of her hands. As she hesitated she heard a distressingly familiar voice say, “Hang on, I’m pretty sure I have a copy of it in my bag.”

There was nowhere for her to go and she stood like a rabbit in the headlights, fear making the blood pound in her ears and nerves making her lightheaded. She watched transfixed as a tall figure in a white Henley walked out, looking over his shoulder and laughing as he shouted a retort back to someone.  She couldn’t help but drink him in. It had been so long since she had seen him and five years had changed him. He was manlier than he had been at nineteen, his shoulders broader and arms thicker. He stood a tad taller and his hair was a little shorter, but still brushed his face making her fingers ache to touch the soft stands and push it back. Then his head turned and she saw that whilst his jawline seemed a little stronger, his face was essentially the same; the wide smile that caused her heart to speed up and those dark brown eyes that felt as if they could see into her very soul.

However, his steps faltered as he caught sight of her, standing just inside the door, her hand on her suitcase as if she was about to make a break for it. His eyes met hers and she couldn’t pull her gaze away from his despite the flicker of hurt that flashed in his eyes and the way his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Sana?” he asked, voice thick with bemusement. She didn’t miss how he took a little step towards her and how his hand twitched at his side, but it was gone in a split second and he folded his arms defensively over his chest and leaned back on his heels. “You’re back?”

Nothing came out of her mouth as she made to reply and she had to clear a throat that was so thick that she wasn’t sure she could push any words out regardless. But she managed and hated how unsure she sounded as she replied with a small shrug, “For the holidays. Maybe longer. I don’t know.”

“Good to know you’re alive at least.”

She was confused by that. Just what did he mean, but before she could ask him anything Elias was calling out, demanding to know just what was taking so long and walking out of the book-room, too. Like Yousef, he stood there confused for a moment but then there was a massive a grin on his face as he shouted her named, ran towards her and picked her up in a big hug, twirling her around.

As she buried her face into the crook of her brother’s neck all she could think is how much she missed this. Missed having Elias by her side, to show such enthusiasm at her presence and accept her and her decisions with no comment regardless if they were good or not.

“Sana!” the rest of the boys yelled out, streaming out the book room and encircling her and Elias into a giant group hug. However, over Elias’ shoulder and past Mutta, Sana could see how Yousef held off; kept himself apart and she tried not to allow it to hurt. She had no right to expect him to be happy to see her especially not after her last messages to him. She had built up her feelings based on a couple of flirty conversations that she’d obviously misjudged and then lambasted him for them via text. He wasn’t interested in her and never had been. The image of him kissing Noora on that distant Friday night – that still managed to make her feel small and unwanted until this day – flooded into her mind and she remembered just how much she had misconstrued the whole situation.

She hadn’t conducted herself well after that. In anything really and that included Yousef. Anger had burned hotly as she got home from that horrid night and she had lashed out at everyone. First she had posted all the bile that twisted her stomach into choleric knots onto the bus Facebook group. Then she had moved onto her closest friends, hitting out at how little they bothered to know or understand her. Finally, she had sent Yousef messages telling him just how much she hated him and wished she’d never met him. Her last act had been to change her number, delete her social media presence and get on a bus to Hicham and Jamilla, refusing to return back to Oslo.

At first, it had felt good to have let go of all that rage and fury. To unleash it and tell everyone just how much their actions hurt her. However, after a couple of months of living off her righteous anger, loneliness had begun to settle in. She missed her friends, missed Nissen and also missed Yousef. No other guy made her stomach swoop the way he managed and despite wanting so desperately to leave all her feelings for him behind in this city, they clung stubbornly to a corner of her heart and refused to allow her to move on or forget him.

Sana had trodden a lonely path ever since. Not allowing anyone too close and sticking as much as she could to Jamilla’s friends. She had no desire to reach out and make any of her own either when she had started her new school in Trondheim or when she had enrolled in University. There was no point. She had tried it too many times before and been too burnt.

“Where have you been, Sana?” Mutta asked. “We tried to ask Elias where you’d gone but he just replied, “Sana who?” and acted like he’d never had a sister.”

She felt rather than saw the concern from Elias. The way his arms tightened around her, tucking her more firmly into him as if he could protect her from everyone and everything. She blinked back tears and smiled a little tremulously at Mutta. “I went to stay with Hicham. You know, he was so lonely up North by himself and he begged me to come and live with him. Elias wasn’t happy.”

“You know how much I missed you,” he said, his own voice thick with tears. “Hicham doesn’t deserve to have you all to himself.”

His words meant more than they said and she knew it was a message to her. That he knew how hurt she’d been by her friends and also his best friend, but that she shouldn’t have stayed away because of it. She squeezed her brother tight. No one could ever come between the Bakkoush siblings – all three of them had each other’s backs at any cost.

Despite her struggle to keep her eyes away from Yousef, they sought him out again and she was taken aback by the sheer sorrow on his face. He looked sad, almost conflicted, and she wasn’t sure just how to process that. It had been five years and he’d never had any feelings for her anyway so why was her return having such an impact?

“C’mon sis,” Elias said, whilst shooing the boys back into the book room. “Let’s get you back to your room.”

Taking the handle of her suitcase from her but keeping his other arm wrapped around her waist, Elias walked with her down the corridor back to her bedroom.

Opening the door was like stepping back in time. Nothing had changed. The walls were still the same colour, the Tupac poster was still stuck up and her mirror still had pictures stuck into its frame. The only difference was how neat it was. There were no clothes lying around, the bed was neatly made with the duvet pulled tight and tucked in.

“It’s the same!” she exclaimed, going to sit on the bed.

“What? You thought Mama would have gotten rid of all your stuff and turned it into a sewing room or something?”

“I thought you might have taken over and used it as games room,” she teased.

Her comment got a brief laugh from Elias, but his face remained serious as he sat down on the bed next to her. “We’ve always wanted you to come home, _aziza_.”

“I know,” she said softly. “But I think I needed to get away.”

“For five years?”

“I couldn’t be here, _akhi_ , I just couldn’t.”

“Because of Yousef?” he asked, his face darkening with anger. “I will make sure he leaves right now. He won’t come back ever. I would have made him go then, too, you know that, right?”

“Not just because of Yousef. There was other stuff, too. And you don’t have to make him leave. He’s been your best friend since you started kindergarten.”

“And you’re my sister. You trump everyone.”

She reached out and squeezed his hand. “Don’t ruin your friendships because of me. Your boys have been part of your life for so long and that includes Yousef, too.”

“If it becomes too much. If anything becomes too much. You just tell me okay? No more running, Sana.”

“No more running,” she agreed and it felt right. She was home and she was here to stay.

\----------

“I thought I might find you here,” a voice said behind her and Sana jumped, spilling a bit of her latte and cursing under her breath.

“Sorry,” Isak said, coming round the table to face her. “I don’t know. I thought I should be suitably melodramatic.”

“Idiot,” she said as he folded his tall form into the seat opposite hers. “Are you ever going to stop growing?”

He laughed. “Is that all you’re going to say?”

“Well, you’re reaching giant proportions. You must be taller than Even now.”

“A tad,” Isak replied with a soft smile that told her that the relationship is still going strong. “So you’re back?”

“Looks like it,” she said with a shrug.

“Biology in third year wasn’t the same without you.”

“Why? You fail?”

“You wish!” he said with a snort. “I’m studying Microbiology at the University of Oslo.”

Sana nodded her head impressed.

“What about you?” Isak asked. “Medicine like you planned?”

“Of course,” she replied. “I’m transferring to Oslo when the academic year starts up again.”

He smiled at that and then looked at her with a soft expression in his eye. She knew what was coming next; the difficult questions. The ones she didn’t want to answer because she didn’t want to delve back into the headspace that had her running in the first place.

“Where have you been? You just disappeared. Why didn’t you tell anyone where you were?”

Looking down, she stirred her coffee with a spoon, looking into the milky depths and realising that this was part of returning. Not running away meant not avoiding answers she didn’t want to reply to.

“It got too much,” she said simply.

“Too much? What does that mean?”

“It means precisely that, Isak,” she said sharply. “It means I was tired of people like Sara and the Pepsi Max girls judging me because of a piece of cloth I choose to wear on my head, I was fed up of my friends not bothering to understand me, I was fed up of feeling second best to girls like Noora. I was fed up with how difficult it was just being me.”

A deafening silence feel between them and she could tell by the look on Isak’s face that he didn’t understand what she was getting at. The usual feeling of inadequacy began to rise in her and she started to get up, not wanting to do this any longer. What was the point of bothering with people if they couldn’t understand where you were coming from? Perhaps she had been right these past five years to distance herself.

“Don’t go!” Isak said, a little pleadingly. “I just…I don’t understand, okay. And it’s not because I don’t want to understand but because I didn’t know you were feeling all of that. I thought things were fine.”

“You remember that night at SYNG? The night you got into a fight with my brother?”

He nodded and looked a little shame-faced. She knew all about it now after asking Elias what they had fought about during her first year in Trondheim.

“A lot of things came crashing down that night. The fight with you and Elias. I overheard the Pepsi Max girls talking shit about Elias and me and Islam. Sara was planning to chuck me off the bus and had just been waiting to sign the papers with Mari before doing it. Then something happened with a boy I liked and No…another girl. And I just snapped. I needed to get out so I left and went to live with my older brother.”

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly.

Sana frowned. “You’re sorry? Why?”

“Because I contributed to something that upset you so much.”

She huffed out a laugh then. “To be honest, you had the smallest impact on me that night. The other stuff hurt more.”

“But you’re okay now? You’re back and you’re okay?”

“I’m okay,” Sana said and she meant it. She was okay despite how being back in Oslo was raking everything up for her. She knew that she needed to face all this stuff otherwise she truly would never be able to move on. She would be stuck with this baggage weighing her down forever and she didn’t want that.

“You know, if you need to talk to someone then I’m always here. I might not be your first choice, but I’ve gotten good at listening over the years.”

“Even?”

“Yeah, Even.”

“I’m glad you guys are still strong.”

“We’re getting married.”

“You are?!”

“Yeah, and now I know where you are, you have to come. Even heard from the boys that you were back so I came to track you down. It’s in a couple of weeks. Nothing big. Just some friends and family and a party with mini burgers afterwards. You know us, we’re not into the big flashy thing.”

Sana wanted to go but she hesitated to say yes. What did they mean by friends? Would it be the same crowd from Nissen? She wasn’t sure she was ready to face the girls yet. Isak was easy – he had never really been part of this. An outside friend who had very few painful associations.

“Yes, they will be there,” Isak commented knowingly.

Biting her lip, she said, “I don’t know.”

“They would want to see you. I know for a fact that they miss you.”

She was conflicted. Part of her knew she had to see them at some point or another. Oslo was small and she was bound to bump into them somewhere.

“Look,” Isak said, pushing a little. “Eskild is having a party for me this Friday. He wants to celebrate how far I’ve come under his tutelage apparently, but that could be the perfect place to see them. You don’t even have to stay long. Just an hour or so.”

“You think it’s a good idea?”

“You’re going to have to see them at some point, right? So why not under circumstances that you control?”

She narrowed her eyes at him and he smirked at her, knowing he’d hit the jackpot with that argument. Sana liked to control as much as possible in her life including how and when she met people.

“Okay then. I’ll come.”

“Yay!” Isak cheered.

“But I’m leaving when I want. No trying to persuade me to stay.”

“Got it,” he said with a salute.

\-----------

“And you want to go?” her mum asked her as they sat later that night at the kitchen table, sipping mint tea and nibbling on ghoriba.

“You don’t want me to go?”

“I don’t want you to rush into anything.”

Sana could read the intent behind those words and her heart broke at how anxious her mum was that she would run once more.

Reaching her hand across the table, she placed it over her mum’s and said, “I’m going to stay. Even if I go to this party and everything goes really badly then I will still stay. No more running.”

“You know I’m happy you’re back. So happy. But I don’t want you to be here if you’d rather stay on Trondheim. I can’t help but think you’re back because I cried and made you feel guilty. If you’ve built a life for yourself up North then you should return to it.”

Thinking on her colourless existence in Trondheim, Sana realised that she had been waiting for this moment. Healing yes, but realistically waiting until she felt whole enough to return. And with return came all the issues she had run from before. Of course, she could go back, but she didn’t want to. She’d been living a half-life in Trondheim and she couldn’t do that anymore.

“I’m home, Mama,” she said simply, putting all the emphasis needed into those three words.

Mariam gave her a wide smile and pulled her hand out from under Sana’s so she could pat it. “I’m glad, _habiba_.”

Her mum poured them out another glass of tea and said, “I know I told you once that you could tell me your secrets and then acted like I didn’t trust you before, but I want you to know that you can tell me anything. You don’t have to bottle your emotions up. We’re here for you, all of us, regardless of what it is you want to tell us.”

Her heart swelled with love for how much her mum tried to accept and understand. She thought back to a conversation years ago with Elias, where he’d spoken about how their mum had been born in a different time and place and struggled to understand her children growing up in this strange society and it was true. They faced pressures and situations that her parents couldn’t relate to but her mum still tried. She wanted nothing but the best for her children whether that was an early marriage like Hicham or Elias flitting from job to job until he landed on the right career or Sana moving out before the end of the school year and in an afternoon with no warning. She did all she could to facilitate her kids needs both within Islam and Norway. She couldn’t have asked for a better mum.

“I can’t promise that I will be able to talk about everything, Mama, but I will try. There’s no one I would rather come to than you, but I still find it hard to talk through everything.”

“You get that from me,” her mum said with a smile. “It’s a Cherif trait. We process everything internally. I drove your dad crazy the first few years we were married because I couldn’t verbalise my emotions at all.”

“Really? But you tell each other everything!”

“Now we do. But I had to learn how to do it. It was probably the hardest thing and I still struggle sometimes to open up, but it becomes easier the more you do it.”

“I will try,” she said, understanding what her mum was getting at.

“It doesn’t have to be with me. It could be Elias or a phone call to Jamilla or maybe even one of your friends if you reconnect with them.”

Sadness filled her chest at the thought of her friends. She missed them and had done so since she’d left. But would she’d been gone for longer than they had been friends in the first place and she wasn’t sure there was any hope that she could rebuild anything out of that.

“Thanks, Mama.”

“Also I don’t think I’ve ever told you this, but I know you have it the hardest out of all my kids. Muslim girls are judged so harshly within their own communities as well as from outside communities. You are out there every day fighting a battle that most people can never or will never understand. You are so visible and I’m so proud of how you handle that. How you’ve never once wavered from wearing the hijab despite the hate you’ve gotten for it. You decided you wanted to wear it out of love for God and you’ve stuck to that regardless. You make me proud to be your mother.”

Tears welled up in her eyes at her mum’s words and she smiled shakily, “Don’t make me cry now, Mama. My eye make-up will smudge.”

“You look beautiful even with smeared _kohl_.”

\----------

It was weird being back home. In some ways everything was the same. Elias was still living there, infusing the house with noise and friends. But in other ways, things were irreparably different. Yousef no longer came round. It was similar to when Even stopped hanging out at the house. Seemingly one day he was there and the next he was gone. However, it had a bigger impact on Sana. Her heart still sped up when she heard the boys in the book room, messing around and being stupid but whenever she passed and looked in Yousef was conspicuously absent and her heart sank.

She shouldn’t have cared. After all, hadn’t he been a large factor in why she’d run from Oslo in the first place? Yet she did. With that first meeting with him again, her eyes craved him the way they had as teenagers. She wanted nothing more than to sit on the edge of the table in the kitchen and make covert eye contact with him. Even after all the pain and heartache he’d caused her, she couldn’t hide from the reality that she had feelings for him.

But he didn’t come any more. Four days of this had her screwing up her courage and corning Elias one night after the rest of the boys had gone home.

“Did you tell Yousef not to come round anymore?”

“You told me not to so I didn’t.”

“So why hasn’t he been here this week?”

Elias sighed. “He claims he’s busy with work. That the remodelling of the kindergarten is taking up his time.”

“But it’s because I’m here isn’t it?”

Her brother just looked at her and she knew she was right. He was avoiding her and it hurt more than it should have done for someone whose last contact with him had been angry messages and then deleting all ways he could contact her.

“Why does he hate me?”

“He doesn’t hate you. No one could hate you and I’ll fight anyone who does,” Elias said hotly

She rolled her eyes and said, “You can’t stop people hating me, Elias.”

“I guess, but I can try,” he said before gesturing for her to sit down on his bed. “With Yousef it’s complicated. He asked after you for years.”

“Why?” she asked with a frown. “And what did Mutta mean when he said you pretended like you didn’t have a sister.”

Elias scrunched up his nose. “I might have refused to answer all questions about you and pretended that I didn’t know who you were.”

Sana’s eyebrows rose at that and she laughed at how extra her brother was. “Why would you do that?”

“Because he hurt you. I talked him up and he hurt you. He didn’t deserve to know anything about you after that.”

Affection for Elias rushed through her at his words. She had run off – partly due to his best friend – and he’d gone to bat for her. Had absolutely stood in her corner and refused to let Yousef know anything about her.

“I love you, you know,” she said, leaning in and kissing his cheek.

“Ugh, stop being soppy and gross,” he replied, wiping the kiss of his cheek before wrapping his arm around her shoulders. “He’s my best friend but you’re my sister. No one comes before you.”

“Same,” Sana said, leaning her head on his shoulder. She’d missed this. It had always been her and Elias against the world. Hicham was five years older than her which made him always a tad too grown up for her, and so it had always been Elias who she’d run to when things were tough. Her big brother who was still a kid and would sympathise with all her problems.

“Mama said you going to a party on Friday and that the girls will be there.”

“Yeah,” she said, twisting her fingers into her pyjama bottoms.

Elias smoothed the hair back off her face and kissed her forehead. “Do you want me to come? We’re throwing something for Even that night but I can put it back a day and come with you to Isak’s thing.”

“You’re throwing a bachelor party for Even?” she asked, grinning.

During her first year in Tronheim, she’d asked Elias about his friends and had been thrilled when he’d told her that they’d made friends with Even once more. She’d gotten all the details of the fight that night outside SYNG from him, even angrier with the stupid Pepsi Max girls when it became clear that Isak had punched Mikael and Elias had jumped in. Of course Elias had jumped in. He would fight all the battles he could for those he loved. Look at how he fought hers. But Isak had apologised for the fight and slowly but surely, Even had reconnected with his friends until they were as tight as they had been before.

“Of course we are,” he said offended. “Our boy’s getting married. The first one out of us all to tie the knot.”

Sana grinned and squeezed her brother closer to her. “Don’t come with me to Isak’s party. You do your thing with Even.”

“You’ll be okay?”

“I’ll be okay.”

“You’re a Bakkoush, you’ll be more than okay,” he said, tugging gently on a strand of hair and making her turn her head up to look at him. “But you call me if you need anything!”

“I will,” she said with a smile.

\-----------

In the end, Sana wasn’t able to completely control how she met the girls. Two days from Eskild’s bachelor party for Isak, she was out food shopping for the house when she literally bumped into Chris. Their trollies smashed into each other as they turned the same corner from opposite ends.

“Sana!” Chris said, confusion writ large on her face.

Blood thrumming through her veins and her face pale, Sana nodded weakly at Chris and said, “Hey, Chris.”

“Hey Chris? You go missing for five years and all I get is a ‘hey Chris’?!?”

Her stomach turned at the hint of anger in her former friend’s voice. This is what she had hoped to avoid. An unexpected confrontation that she was woefully unprepared for. She’d planned just how to approach them at Isak’s party, how to talk and now that had gone to shot.

“I...I…” Sana stuttered, unsure of just how to talk about this in the tinned fruits aisle of the supermarket. “Can we go for a coffee?” she finally spat out.

“You want to do that?”

“Yeah.”

“I would like that,” Chris said, backing down easily.

Sana gave her a little shaky smile as she realised how much it must have cost Chris to confront her the way she just did. Out of all their friends – Vilde included – Chris had been the one who hated conflict the most.

There was a café attached to the supermarket and they agreed to meet there in twenty minutes once their respective shopping was done. By the time Sana arrived, Chris was already there, two coffees sitting on the table.

“Sorry,” Chris said as Sana sat down. “I assumed you’d still drink your coffee the same and just ordered. But maybe you don’t.”

“I do,” Sana said, taking a grateful sip of her latte. “Thanks.”

“So,” Chris said a little awkwardly. “Are you back? Did you even go anywhere? I assumed you did because we never saw you anywhere but you never know, the rumour at school might have been right?”

“Rumour at school?”

“That you’d been locked in your home because your parents didn’t approve of your partying.”

“Oh!” she said. Of course that’s what people at their school had thought when she’d disappeared. “At least it wasn’t that I’d been shipped off back home to marry a cousin.”

“Vilde stopped that one from getting about.”

“Vilde what?”

“Sara said something like that and Vilde slapped her and told her not to be so offensive.”

“Huh!” Sana said, confused. “ _Vilde!_ ”

“Yeah, ironically she went to a programme run at a local mosque that summer called _Understanding Your Muslim Friends_.”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“Nope,” Chris said and Sana burst out laughing remembering her first meeting with Vilde where she’d jokingly said that she and Chris had met at the Mosque during Ramadan and just how confused Vilde had looked.

“Wow, I would have paid to see that.”

“It hit us hard,” Chris said her face sobering. “When you left. We missed you so much. Then the truth came out about Sara and the Pepsi Max girls and I think that hit Vilde the most. She hadn’t thought about her words or the things she said about you to others and how offensive they were. I think we all realised just then how much we didn’t understand you or even really try.”

Silence fell between them and Sana watched as Chris played with a packet of sugar nervously. “Why didn’t you tell me about what you overheard that night? I always thought we were close.”

“I couldn’t,” Sana said in a strangled voice.

Chris looked up at her then, unshed tears resting in her eyes. “I’m sorry I wasn’t the friend you needed at the time. I wish I could have shown you more clearly that you could trust me. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better friend to you.”

Sana’s heart broke a little at Chris’ words. Out of all her friends, she knew Chris would have believed her first. That Chris would have instantly believed everything she said because Chris always did. Out of all the girls, Chris had been the most accepting and also the most interested in her life away from them. She was always the first with the Ramadan Kareem or Eid Mubarak messages and the one who would help her find a quiet place where she could pray.

“It wasn’t _you_ , Chris. I always knew I could trust you. I just…everything overwhelmed me and I couldn’t think straight anymore. I felt so separate and isolated and it got to the point where I felt like a burden.”

“You could never be a burden to me, you know that, right? I loved you then and I love you now.”

A couple of tears fell down Sana’s cheeks and she brushed them away hastily. Her chest swelled at Chris’ words and her shoulders lifted as if a weight had been taken off them. She had missed her girls so much – but particularly Chris. Chris who had been her first friend at Nissen, who had sat down next to her in German in their first lesson as if it was nothing and chatted up a storm about the party over the weekend and asked Sana why she hadn’t been there as if it was abnormal that she hadn’t. Who had never seen Sana for her hijab and had never acted like it was unusual for Sana to do the things she was. After Urra, Chris was precisely who Sana had needed. Someone so accepting who didn’t see the differences between them, just all the things they had in common.

“I love you, too,” she said, her voice husky with emotion.

“Where did you go and are you back now?”

“Yeah, I’m back. I went to live with my eldest brother in Trondheim but I missed here. I missed you.”

Chris’ hand reached out to grab hers and she said, “I missed you, too. There was no one left to help me plan pranks anymore.”

And like that the mood lifted and it was if there had never been a five year gap. They chatted until the café closed.

\---------

Later that night as she sat in her bedroom, Sana’s phone pinged. Chris was the first person she had given the number to outside of her family and Jamilla’s closest friends.

**Chris:** When are you going to tell the girls you are back?

**Chris:** They are going to be so excited to see you.

**Chris:** You should do it before the party, girl.

Fingers paused over the touchscreen, Sana didn’t know how to answer. Connecting with Chris was always going to be the easiest. There was so much less baggage with Chris. Noora and Vilde was going to be hard. She had built up so much resentment towards them and they had been big factors in why she had run.

**Sana:** I don’t know.

**Chris:** I’m holding a pregame at mine, you should come to that.

**Chris:** It’ll be better to see the girls in a more private setting anyway.

**Chris:** Besides you haven’t seen my place. It’s awesome and you have to meet Little Sana.

**Sana:** What?

**Sana:** Little Sana?

**Chris** : My cat.

**Sana:** You named a cat after me?

**Chris:** What? I missed you.

**Sana:** You named an _animal_ after me?

**Sana:** I’m meant to be flattered by that?

**Chris:** She’s you in cat form, Sana!

**Sana:** …

**Chris:** When you meet her you’ll understand.

**Chris:** Which will happen in two days from now.

**Sana:** Okay then. Send me your address.

**Sana:** And change the name of your cat.

**Chris:** Little Sana says you change your name!

Sana let out a soft laugh at that. Of all the things Chris could do she would name a cat after her. Well, back at school there had been Girl Chris and Fuckboy Chris so it made sense for their lives to now have Human Sana and Cat Sana.

\----------

 

The next day Sana was walking back from getting a wedding present for Isak and Even. Their wedding wasn’t for a couple of weeks, but Sana has always been a planner. Plus her mum had asked her to go to _Grønland to get a new set of tea glasses for home, which had given her some ideas on what to get Isak and Even. Knowing how much Even liked to cook, she’d bought them a ceramic tagine with a Moroccan cookbook plus a Moroccan tea set. Even had always loved her mother’s cooking and now he could get recipes from her mum and invite them all around for Moroccan food. Elias would definitely get a kick out of that._

The angry bouncing of a basketball as she walked back through the park had her looking up and she stopped, letting her heavy bags rest on the ground when she espied a familiar figure playing on the basketball court.

Was it wrong that she still thought of it as their court?

It had been one night, but that one night had given her more hope about the potential of them than anything else. And here he was now. It was the first time she’d laid eyes on him since her return that first night and she couldn’t help but think it was a sign. She was reconnecting with everyone else so it was probably time that she faced this particular demon.

With her heart racing, she walked onto the court, placing her bags carefully at the side and out of the way so nothing would get broken. He stopped as she entered his line of vision, the angry look on his face giving way to something more neutral.

“Hi,” she said, softer than she would have liked.

“Hey.”

“Can I play?”

Yousef shrugged but passed her the ball anyway. Dribbling closer to the basket, she planted a three pointer into the basket.

“I see you haven’t lost your touch,” he said.

Picking up the ball, Sana practiced her shots. “I continued to playing up in Trondheim. I was on the University Basketball team.”

“Trondheim. That’s where you were?”

“Yeah.”

He looked at her as she throw the ball back to him and tucked it under his arm. “Why are you here?”

“Here? As in Oslo?” she asked, taken aback by his direct question. When had he gotten so good at outright asking questions? Last she remembered, he would skirt around the issue like she did.

“Here in this court right now.”

“I wanted to talk to you. You haven’t been up at the house recently with the other boys.”

“I didn’t think you’d want me there.”

Sana frowned. “Why would I not want you there?”

“I don’t know,” he said with heavy sarcasm. “You sent me messages about how you hated me and then ran away for five years. It wasn’t exactly a hard conclusion to come to.”

“Oh those.”

“Yeah those.”

They both fell silent and the air was thick with tension. Sana could feel her anxiety rising with each moment where they remained quiet. Scuffing her show into the asphalt, she tried to play the heavy atmosphere off with a flippant remark. “Well, it was five years ago. You don’t need to keep away because of that.”

“Wow, okay,” Yousef said, anger giving his voice an edge that she’d never heard before. “Silly me for thinking those messages actually meant something and trying to do as you wished by staying away.”

“I didn’t mean-” she started to say before faltering under the blazing look he shot her.

“You don’t get to shrug this off, Sana,” he said frustration bleeding into his voice. “You ghosted me. You deleted every possible way I could speak to you after those messages and had your brother pretend that he didn’t even have a sister. I asked Elias for years after and he refused to even acknowledge that he knew what I was talking about. Did you have Noora do the same? All those conversations I had with her, where I begged her tell me if you were okay and she cried and said she didn’t know. That you’d just disappeared on them, too. Was she just playacting and letting you know that stupid Yousef was still asking. Still caring.”

He ran a shaking hand through his hair and Sana could do nothing but stare at him with a lost expression. How could she have known? She hadn’t really thought about how this would affect him. To be frank, she hadn’t really imagined that he would particularly care if she was around or not.

“You know what? It doesn’t matter. None of this matters. You’ve just proved to me how little I ever mattered to you and I don’t know why I’m still here trying,” he said with a bitter laugh as he chucked the ball over to her. “I’m done with this. Done.”

She watched forlornly as she stormed off the court and towards the exit of the park.

They said hindsight was everything and Sana realised this was true. She had come to conclusions about Yousef during that horrible night five years ago and it was now dawning on her that she might have totally misjudged events. Finding space in one of her bags for Yousef’s ball, she picked up her shopping and walked home with a new sense of purpose.

It was time she got some actual answers to things.

\--------

She had to wait until Elias returned from work and dinner with the boys, which wasn’t easy. Sana hated sitting on her feelings. Once she had made up her mind then she liked to go ahead and execute the plan, so waiting around patiently for her brother to return wasn’t the most natural thing for her.

But finally he was back and she gave him ten minutes to change out of his street clothes before barging into his room. He was pulling on a t-shirt and looked wryly at her. “You could knock.”

Pointing to his bed for him to sit, she folded her arms and said, straight to the point, “Tell me about Yousef.”

“Yousef? Tell you what about him?”

“What were his feelings towards me five years ago and why’s he so upset?”

“Ah, you saw him today,” he said perceptively. “It would explain why he was so out of it tonight.”

“Did he like me? I thought I had built it all up in my head especially after he kissed Noora.”

“He liked you,” Elias said with brutal honesty. “When I saw you return his interest I was happy for you both. He’s never been the type to fuck around. Not like me. I thought he’d be good for you. But then he went and fucked around.”

Sana asked the question that had been bugging her for years. The question that had her burrowing deeper into her half-life in Trondheim and refusing to talk to anyone about her former life in Oslo.

Taking a deep breath she finally asked, “Did he and Noora date?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“I never asked him. I didn’t want to. I heard that they met up once or twice. Adam and Mikael saw them together not long after you left. But I knew that if I asked him and he said yes, I’d end up punching him. You didn’t want to know, he never spoke about it, and I never saw them together so I decided that ignorance was bliss.”

“But he asked about me?”

“Yeah, he continued to ask about you. He only stopped asking about you last year.”

_That long_ was all she could think. He had asked about her for that long and she wanted to cry with how much that hurt. Her chest felt hollow at the thought of what that possibly meant and she looked at his reaction to her return a week ago in a new light as well as his anger on the court earlier that day.

“I still like him,” she said in a soft and hesitant voice. “I never stopped.”

Her hands shook at the confession and she struggled to breath. She had never allowed herself to fully admit that and she hated how vulnerable she felt right now. She swore that a gust of wind could knock her over at this moment in time she felt so weak and open.

Elias gave her a sad look and she almost cried trying to work out if that meant she still had a chance or not.

“I messed up, _akhi_ , I really messed up.”

“ _He_ messed up first. What the hell was he thinking kissing other girls when he could have had the best girl ever?”

She sniffled at his words and went sat down next to him, resting her head on his shoulder. “I think you’re biased.”

“Nuh uh, everyone knows that’s the truth. No girl out there could possibly match Sana Bakkoush. Why do you think I’m still single?”

Laughing shakily, Sana linked her arm through his and squeezed. “You’re stupid but I love you.”

“I always thought Yousef was a bit short in the brains department. He’s missed out all these years on being called stupid.”

She grinned. Elias could always cheer her up even in the worst mood ever. He knew just what to say to drive the darkness away. She had missed that more than anything over the past five years. Having Elias Bakkoush in your corner meant half your fight was already won.

“I told him that I hated him and that I wished I never met him,” she admitted.

“When?”

“That night. I was so angry and hurt and I lashed out at everyone. And that’s what I said to him. I didn’t even give him a chance to respond. I deleted all my social media and then cut up my sim card.”

“Wow! You don’t do half measures, do you?”

“Nope. When I self-destruct, I go all out.”

“Hey,” Elias said softly. “You didn’t self-destruct. You cracked under too much pressure. People took you for granted or didn’t bother to try and understand you. That’s on them. That’s not on you.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t try to understand what happened between Yousef and Noora. I just jumped to conclusions.”

“Conclusions ninety percent of other people would jump to.”

“I should have confronted him about it. I should have asked.”

“You get to be mistrustful, _hayati_ , you of all people get to be mistrustful. No one has ever given you the benefit of the doubt before so I get why you wouldn’t extend that courtesy to others.”

“Do you think I can fix this?”

“Do you want to?”

Sana nodded. “It might at least give me some closure then. I’ve been holding onto him for so long. I don’t want to do that anymore.”

“Then talk to him. It might be too late, but not necessarily. I’ve avoided asking Yousef about girls but I do know he’s never dated seriously. He’s never brought a girl to meet us.”

Unbidden, hope rose in her chest. The familiar swoop of her stomach whenever she thought about Yousef was there but this time there was a fizzle of anticipation to match.

“I’m having a BBQ on Sunday,” Elias said. “Not even Yousef can weasel his way out of it especially as he’s promised to man the grill. Make sure you’re here and talk to him.”

She could do that. She could put herself out there and talk to him. What was the worst that could happen? She’d already cornered the market on extreme reactions and she doubted he could outdo her.

\----------

However, Friday came before Sunday and Sana sat in front of her mirror fighting the urge to wipe off her lighter make-up and go for the heaviest make-up she owned. It was her armour and she wasn’t sure she didn’t need it. Hiding behind black eyeshadow and dark purple lipstick had become second nature to her over the years. Combined with her mainly black wardrobe and hijab it intimidated most people she met and she enjoyed how predictable the response was. Over the years, she had come to rely on it.

But today, she’d deliberately kept a light hand with the make-up. She didn’t want to go to Chris’ in a fighting frame of mind. Being back in Oslo, picking up the strands of her former life, seeing Yousef, Chris and Isak again had reminded her of all she had left behind. She missed her friends. Perhaps it was time making her feel nostalgic but the eighteen months they had been friends had been some of the best times of her life. She’d felt like she had found her place at last. A group of misfits just like her who somehow just didn’t fit anywhere else.

Things had become bad at the end, yes, but there was a small kernel of hope that resided inside her heart that longed for a happy resolution. It had sat there small but heavy ever since she’d boarded the bus for Trondheim. And now it would either grow to encompass her whole heart once more or disappear as a bitter shrivelled symbol of how she didn’t get to have friends. She didn’t get to enjoy that close friendship that both Elias and Jamilla had because she wasn’t enough – not Muslim or Norwegian or Moroccan enough to find her place leaving her a perpetual outsider.

There was a knock on her door and her mother peeked around the doorframe. “Hey, you told me to remind you when it was 7:30pm.”

“Thanks,” Sana said.

Her mum came into the room, a smile on her face. “You look gorgeous.”

Sana’s stomach twisted up with nerves again as she critically viewed herself in the mirror. She had never been beautiful enough. Not like Noora. That’s why it had hurt so much to see Yousef kissing her. Of course he would choose Noora over her. Who wouldn’t? “You think?”

“You look like my grandma except for your eyes. Have I ever told you that?”

“ _Jadda_ Khadija?”

“Yeah. She was the belle of her village. She had men from villages all around come to ask for her hand. But she married _Jadde_ Hamid because she said he had the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen. She died not long after you were born but she saw you once and pointed out that you had _Jadde_ Hamid’s eyes.”

“I used want blue eyes when I was little.”

Her mum came over then and kissed the top of her head. “Ah never say that, _aziza_. You have eyes that a person can drown in.”

Smiling, Sana kissed her mum on the cheek. It was hard to feel beautiful in Norway – not when your skin, hair and eyes were always too dark for the idealised blue eyed, blonde hair standard of beauty that had been pushed onto the rest of the world from Europe centuries ago. But her mum had always managed to make her feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.

“Now you need to get a move on. Elias is dropping you off right? Well, he’s pacing out by the front door complaining about how long can it take to get a hijab to sit right?”

Sana snorted. “He should try wearing one then.”

Laughing, Mariam said, “Now that would be a sight to see.”

“I’m pretty sure he could find an Adidas one. If Nike’s started to make sport hijabs then I’m sure Adidas has too.”

“Eid al-Adha’s coming up – maybe we should buy him one as a gift.”

They both laughed even harder at the thought then causing the object of their mirth to stomp down the corridor, calling out, “I’m only waiting here! I have things to do, too, Sana! _Yalla_ , let’s go!”

\-------

Chris had told her to come earlier than the other girls, which was a good thing because Sana wasn’t sure she would have been able to ring the bell had she known all of them were there. Her hands shook hard enough as it was.

“Welcome!” Chris said, spreading her arms wide when she opened the door and dragged Sana into the small one bedroom flat. “I can’t believe you’re finally here!”

“When did you move in?” Sana asked as they made their way down the tiny corridor into the living room.

“Nearly two years ago. It was time to move out and get my own place. And I hated the dorms at university.”

The first thing Sana saw when she entered the living room was the large framed picture of them all at William’s party at the end of their first year at Nissen, Sana in the middle, sandwiched between Chris and Vilde. Picking it up off the mantelpiece, Sana smiled fondly as she remembered that afternoon.

You know, we all have a copy of that photo,” Chris said. “Vilde gave all of us one when we graduated because she said she didn’t want a picture from graduation day itself because you weren’t there.”

Tears filled her eyes and she put it back down before she dropped it her hands were that unsteady. “Did you tell them I was here?”

“No,” Chris said. “I didn’t want to answer their questions for you.”

“They might hate me.”

“They won’t,” Chris promised. “We just missed you so much, Sana. They’ll just be happy you’re home.”

Turning back round, she took in the living room properly this time and smiled. It was perfectly Chris. A hodge-podge of styles, colours and trinkets and insane prints on the wall. On the sofa was a small fluffy dark grey cat curled up into a ball, her head tucked under her tail.

“I take it that’s Little Sana?”

“Yep,” Chris said, unceremoniously picking the cat up and brandishing her towards Sana. “Hey Little Sana, meet Big Sana.”

The cat chirruped a protest at being woken up and open an annoyed amber eye. “She looks irritated,” Sana observed.

“I know, it’s great,” Chris said, putting the cat back down who promptly curled back up and went to sleep again. “She’s the sassiest cat ever and takes no shit. It’s why she’s called Sana. I got her at the cat shelter and took one look at her and fell in love. Much like her namesake.”

Determined not to get any more maudlin, Sana said, “What is it with you and strays?”

Chris shrugged. “Dunno. I just seem to collect you.”

Smiling widely, Sana said, “It must have been fate then that we bumped into each other on Tuesday. You collecting a stray again.”

“You’re not a stray anymore. You came home to us.”

“Yeah,” she said softly but any further words she might have said were halted by the ringing of the doorbell.

“That’ll be them!” Chris said cheerfully and Sana didn’t know whether to be grateful or annoyed that Chris was being so blasé about the reunion. She was leaning towards grateful just because Sana wasn’t sure she needed someone else to be as nervous as she was right now.

Not wanting to be stuck standing awkwardly in the room, Sana sat on the sofa and petted the cat. At least this way she had something to do with her hands other than fidget with her clothes. Little Sana opened one eye, sniffed her hand a little warily then butted her head against Sana’s palm, demanding to be stroked more.

Sana tried to concentrate on the cat’s soft purrs rather than the voices at the door but it was to no avail.

“I brought the beer,” Eva said.

“And I got wine,” Vilde added.

It was strange hearing their voices again. It had been so long and it felt weird to think that in just a couple of seconds she would lay eyes on them again. Maybe an accidental meeting like the one with Chris would have been better. She hadn’t had an opportunity to overthink anything then. One minute she had been on her own and the next Chris was there and they were talking.

“I have a surprise waiting for you,” Chris said mysteriously.

“Ugh a surprise?” Noora asked, throwing Sana back to another afternoon five years ago when she’d taken Noora out to _Grønland on the pretext of helping her get over William but really it had been a misguided attempt by her to forget Yousef. Five years later she still hadn’t forgotten him._

_“I know what you’re going to say,” Chris replied. “But you’ll like this surprise. Promise.”_

_Sana hoped so. There was no guarantee any of the others would react the same way as Chris, who’d always been the relaxed, laid back one of them all. Chris didn’t need long explanations for why Sana had done what she had. She happily accepted Sana back in her life._

_“Not even a hint?”_

_“Only that the surprise is something we thought we’d lost a long time ago.”_

_“What?” Eva said. “What kind of hint is that?”_

_“Where is the surprise?”_

_“In the living room.”_

_Three feet stampeded down the hall, giving Sana just enough time to draw in a deep breath before three figures stopped dramatically in the doorway and stared at her in varying degrees of shock._

_“Hi,” she said shakily when they failed to move for a couple of seconds._

_“It’s Sana!” Chris said, pushing her way through the frozen girls. “She’s back.”_

 Sana’s heart sank as no one smiled or moved towards her. Chris looked confused as she stared between them all and then said emphatically, “Sana’s back!”

“Yeah, we can see,” Eva said, her voice sounding stilted and distant.

If anyone had asked if it was scientifically possible for your heart to break into a million pieces then Sana would have denied it, but right there, she swore it happened to her. The way that not one of them smiled or moved an inch had her realising that not everyone was as forgiving as Chris.

Hands fluttering ineffectively towards her bag, Sana shot Chris an apologetic look as she gathered her things towards her. She couldn’t stay here. She would shoot off a text to Isak who would understand why she hadn’t showed.

But before she could rise of the sofa and make her leave, Vilde was surging towards her, a goofy grin on her face and a couple of tears spilling down her cheeks. “Oh my God, Sana! You’re here. You’re back. How? When?”

Then Sana was being pushed back onto the sofa, as Vilde flung herself into her arms, causing the cat to jump off the sofa with a meow of annoyance.

Noora and Eva followed, piling in on top of Sana and wrapping arms around her to hug her close.

Tears flowed freely for a minute of two, everyone talking over everyone else until Chris gave a sharp whistle between her teeth. “Let the girl speak! No one can understand anything with everyone chattering at once.”

The girls climbed off her and sat squished in with her on the sofa.

“Where have you been?” Noora asked softly, an arm flung around Sana’s shoulders.

“In Trondheim with my brother and Jamilla.”

“The hijab police!” Eva exclaimed disbelievingly.

Sana gave a little smile at that. “You shouldn’t call her that. I was wrong to tell you that name. She’s been great really. Putting up with me crashing in her home for five years.”

“Why did you go?” Vilde asked gently. “Why didn’t you talk to us or tell us?”

It felt fateful to have that question come out of Vilde’s mouth. So much of the stress and anxiety that had forced Sana to flee had come from Vilde and the Pepsi Max squad.

“I didn’t think I could,” she said sadly. “I didn’t think you’d be there for me.”

She hadn’t wanted to cause them pain and she didn’t like to see the hurt that flashed over all faces, but at the same time she needed to tell them exactly why she hadn’t turned to them five years ago.

“Of course we would have been there,” Vilde said.

“Would you? You were so happy to be back with Pepsi Max and I know you told them things about me. Things that made my family and my faith look bad. That hurt and it made me feel like an outsider. Someone who could never be fully accepted because of the differences between us rather than the things we had in common.”

Vilde’s face crumpled a little and she looked down at her hands. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I let being in with the popular crowd sway me and I didn’t even think when I said stuff. I’ve been trying,” she said hesitantly. “After you left, when I looked back on some the conversations I’d had with Sara, Ingrid and the rest, I realised how ignorant they really were and I tried to educate myself more. You know, find out about Islam and Moroccan culture.”

“Chris said you’d been on a Mosque programme. It was kind of hard to believe.”

“Yeah,” Vilde said with a self-deprecating smile. “You know Sara was so happy when you left and some of things that she and others let slip made me, well made all of us, realise just how they had been working against you. We dropped out the bus.”

“You did?”

“Yeah,” Eva said. “To be honest, it didn’t feel the same without you.”

“So you found another bus? Just the four of you?”

“No, we didn’t do the russebuss thing,” Eva explained.

“What?!”

“Sana, you might not have realised it but you were the heart of our bus. You brought Noora on, you made the strategic plans and did the negotiating. Fuck, you even sold the toilet paper in first year. There was no bus with you,” Vilde said.

“But it was so important to you,” she said.

“Not without you, it wasn’t.”

She struggled to put her thoughts into words and could only stare at Vilde.

“I’m sorry I was always so insensitive towards you. Ignorance isn’t an excuse and I should have known better. I should have made you feel confident enough to correct me,” Vilde said before her voice broke down and she choked out, “I’m sorry I drove you away.”

Sana pulled her into a hug, patting her back comfortingly as Vilde fought to gain control over her sobs. “Hey,” she said softly. “You didn’t drive me away. There were lots of contributing factors.”

“What else happened?” Eva said. “The bus stuff we were able to piece together. At least a little.”

“I never told you, but I was bullied in middle school.”

“What?” Chris asked. “You never said anything.”

“I couldn’t. It caused me to be so guarded. It’s why I had my barriers up – I still do really. It messed me up. I had so much anger from how they treated me because I happened to be Muslim and Moroccan and I’m still dealing with it today. But the stuff with Sara and the Pepsi Max squad brought it all back; the stress and the anxiety. I started to wonder if I was paranoid and nothing was really happening.”

“Oh God, I said you were paranoid,” Noora said guiltily. “I didn’t know. I thought they were fine. I hadn’t imagined they would be planning all this stuff behind your back. Who does that?”

“People who hate you because you’re different,” Sana said sadly.

“Racist bitches,” Chris said bluntly.

“But I just felt so isolated and vulnerable and the more those feelings took hold, the less I could open up and tell any of you. And then that Friday night at SYNG happened and I had confirmation that I hadn’t been imagining things. They really planning to kick me off the bus and only me. All the fears of how I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough came flooding back-” she broke off then, hesitating to bring up the next part. But she needed to. It was important, too and had pushed her over the edge. “And there was a guy I liked,” she said, shooting a little look towards Noora.

“What?!” Eva and Chris exclaimed together.

However, Noora looked unsurprised. “Your brother’s friend, right? Yousef?”

“Yousef?!” Vilde said, lifting her face from Sana’s shoulder. “You mean the guy you k-,” she broke off quickly and sunk back against the sofa as if that would somehow erase her words.

“I know about the kiss,” Sana said. “I saw you kissing each other. It was kind of the icing on the cake.”

“Oh God, you saw?” Noora groaned and put her head in hands.

“Yeah, I just assumed that I had it wrong. He wasn’t interested in me at all.”

“No!” Noora all but shouted. “No! That kiss was a mistake. I was upset about William and just kind of lunged at him. We didn’t kiss for long, I swear! We both knew it was a massive mistake. Something that shouldn’t have happened. He _liked_ you, Sana, he _did_. He asked about you. Sent me messages and met up with me a couple of times to see if I knew anything about where you were. He looked distraught.”

“Yeah, Elias told me.”

“Have you seen him?” Noora asked.

“A couple of times. He was at my house when I got back and then I saw him the park a couple of days ago.”

“How was – did it go okay?”

“Not really. He’s angry with me. Like really really angry.”

“Hey! He kissed someone else first!” Eva burst out in an offended tone.

Sana couldn’t help but smile. “That’s what Elias said. But before I left I sent him messages telling him that I hated him and wished I had never met him.” The other three girls gasped but Noora looked as if she already knew. “I didn’t give him a chance to explain. Just deleted my accounts and number.”

“Wow, girl, that’s harsh,” Chris said.

“Yeah, so I kind of get why he’s not really happy to see me.”

“You need to talk to him,” Noora said. “If you talk to him then things will be okay.”

It was a nice sentiment but Sana didn’t really believe that would happen. He had every right to hate her at the moment and she had to live with it. Yes, he had kissed her friend but she hadn’t given him a chance to explain. “I ghosted him and left. I don’t really think that’s something easily fixed.”

“But we’re doing that right now,” Noora pointed out gently.

“Yeah, but it’s different.”

“Why?” Vilde asked.

“I don’t know. It just is.”

“Do you still like him?” Eva asked, her head tilted inquiringly.

“Yeah,” Sana said quietly. “I never stopped.”

Vilde pulled her in for a quick hug, squeezing her tightly and the little action did something to relieve the sharp stabbing pain in her chest whenever she thought of Yousef. Knowing that she was at least fixing the other big mess in her life made it that little bit easier to bear.

“He likes you, too. I’m sure of it,” Noora said emphatically.

Sana looked sceptical. “How would you know? Have you spoken to him recently?”

“No, not for a couple of years, but no boy is as cut up about a girl they haven’t even dated leaving the way he was. He was almost in tears the few times I saw him.”

“What?”

“He cares. I’m telling you, he wouldn’t be so angry if he didn’t still care.”

She didn’t want Noora’s words to give her hope. She already had Elias’ thoughts on the situation floating around her brain and messing up her sleep. Add in these words and her heart swelled a little with the anticipation that something could come out of this. That somehow she could run away for five years and _still_ get the boy. Shaking her head to dispel the thoughts, she said, “No. No, it’s not realistic. It’s been five years.”

“So?” Eva said softly. “It’s been five years for you and yet you still have feelings for him.”

“But-” she started to say.

“No! Don’t yeah, but us,” Chris said, cutting her off and pre-empting her denials. She came over and squeezed her cheeks. “How could any boy get over this adorable face? It could be fifty years and he would still be in love with you.”

Rolling her eyes, Sana said, “Come on. That’s insane.”

“No it’s not,” Noora said. “You’re his perfect girl. He told me he thought you were his soulmate and that you leaving cut him up so badly that he couldn’t eat or sleep. He could only think about you.”

Her heart stuttered and she looked in disbelief at the four convinced faces around her.

“So, how are we going to make sure Sana gets Yossi?” Vilde asked clapping her hands enthusiastically together.

Looking around at the four eager faces already brainstorming ideas to win Yousef over, Sana couldn’t believe that after five years of loneliness and pain, she had her friends back in her life. Her friends who were so happy to see her and so upset at the hurt they had caused her that they had instantly forgiven her for just disappearing for years and welcomed her back as if they’d seen her just yesterday.

\-----------

Quietly opening the door so as not to wake anyone, Sana snuck back into her house. Her dad was on call this weekend and would be in the hospital early in the morning.

“About time you got home,” Elias said, melodramatically turning on a lamp in the living room as she tried to sneak past.

“Really?” she said, rolling her eyes. “Are you actually waiting up for me?”

“Yeah, but only because I wanted to make sure you got home okay.”

“I texted you and told you I was getting a lift home. Noora was the designated driver for everyone.”

“Noora, huh?” Elias said, raising his eyebrows. He patted the cushion on the sofa next to him and added, “Come and tell me everything. You are all friends again, right?”

With a goofy smile on her face, she went and sat down next to her brother. “Yeah. We talked and talked at Chris’ and ended up so late for Isak’s party, but he didn’t mind. He looked thrilled when all walked in together.”

“Yeah, Even showed me pictures Isak was sending him.”

Sana hadn’t looked at phone other than to briefly text Elias that she would be fine getting home but she was sure there were a ton of messages.

“They didn’t give you a hard time, did they?”

“No. Some stuff was said,” she replied, and then put out a reassuring hand when Elias started to huff a little. “By me mainly. I told them some overdue stuff about why I hadn’t been able to trust them or open up fully.”

“Urra?”

“Yeah and just how it still affects me, but I’m trying to get over it and put it in the past. Vilde cried when I mentioned how her past actions had hurt me.”

“Good. She should.”

“No,” Sana said softly. “She’s really tried hard in the last five years. Did you know she has a Moroccan girlfriend, now?”

“What?! No! Who?”

“Amira Barakat.”

“Oh, I know her! She’s so cool. Does a lot of work in youth centres with young Arab and Muslim LGBT youth.”

“Yeah, she ran a programme that Vilde attended at a Mosque.”

“Vilde went to programme in a Mosque?”

“Yeah. She felt guilty that she knew so little about my faith and wanted to educate herself. Amira runs a programme designed for non-Muslims to better understand the _deen_.”

Elias smiled then. “That’s nice. I’m glad she recognised her faults and sought to rectify them.”

“Yeah.”

“And Noora?” Elias asked a little hesitantly.

Sana knew what he was asking. The one question he had never dared ask Yousef himself. “They didn’t date.”

“No?” Elias asked sceptically. “But they did meet a couple of times. Adam and Mikael saw them.”

“She said that they met to talk about me.”

“Oh,” Elias said a little sadly.

“Yeah, oh.”

Silence fell between them and then Elias said, “Do you think if I had actually asked Yousef and got this answer you would have come home earlier? I could have put my own anger aside and actually found out what was going on.”

Sana pondered his words for a brief second and then said, “You can’t put this on yourself, _habibi_. I should have confronted one or both of them about it. I shouldn’t have just run away and not allowed anyone to explain anything to me.”

“You had reasons to react like that.”

“Yeah, I had reasons, but that doesn’t make my decision any better.”

“Are you going to talk to him now that you know that nothing definitely happened?”

Taking a deep breath as she contemplated how daunting it would be to do so, she said, “I have to. I have to allow him the chance to explain and I have to give myself some kind of closure if I’m ever to move on.”

“Maybe you won’t need to move on?”

“Don’t Elias,” she said sharply. “I’m trying so hard to keep a hold on my expectations. It’s been five years. I can’t expect him to still care after all this time. Not with how I left.”

“Yousef is the loyalist person I know,” he pointed out. “And he doesn’t change direction easily. His feelings are usually steady.”

“I can’t! I can’t think like this because then I will be crushed when I find out he moved on from me ages ago. Please don’t.”

“Okay, I’m sorry. I won’t make this harder. Just don’t close off your heart just yet. Put yourself out there a little. Promise me that?”

“Having this conversation with him is putting myself out there.”

“You know what I mean,” he said unimpressed. “It’s a Bakkoush thing where we decide we already know what is going to happen and plough on down that course regardless of how other’s react. Just don’t decide you know the outcome already, huh.”

It was a fault in their family and she thought about how if she’d been a little more unsure five years ago, a little more open to asking some questions and having uncomfortable confrontations then maybe this would have been sorted out then. Rather than her having remained in an emotional limbo for five years.

“I can do that.”

“Good,” he said, kissing her forehead. “Now go and get that beauty sleep. You don’t want to look like a hag when you have this conversation.”

“Hag?!”

“Yep, hag.”

She moved her fingers menacingly towards his sides. Elias was so ticklish that it was good to use as an instant punishment. However, he held up a warning hand and said, “Uh-uh, you don’t want to wake Mama and Baba up. And you know how loudly I yell when being tickled.”

It was true and so she resigned herself to shooting him a look of disgust and leaving to go to her room.

“Love you, too,” he called out softly and she smiled.

It was good to be home with Elias again.

\----------

Sunday dawned a little too quickly for Sana’s liking. She wanted more time to prepare herself yet recognised that she was never truly going to be prepared for this moment anyway. However, whenever she thought of trying to have this conversation with Yousef then her stomach tied itself up into a million tight knots and she had trouble breathing.

God, it would be just her luck if she had a panic attack in front of him.

However, as if sensing just how stressed her daughter was her mum had her helping out in the kitchen to prepare stuff for the BBQ. Mariam Bakkoush wasn’t even going to be there, but she took hospitality really seriously and had laughed in amusement when both Elias and Sana had said they’d handle all the preparation work.

“What and end up feeding everyone already prepared food from the supermarket?”

“Hey!” Elias and Sana had both protested in unison.

“I can cook better than that,” Sana said and it was true. She’d become a lot better at looking after herself in Trondheim, determined not to cause Hicham or Jamilla any more hassle than she already was.

“Well then you can help,” Mariam said. “But I’m still making food for your friends. No one comes to the Bakkoush house and is fed sub-standardly.”

“The girls are coming to?” Elias asked.

“Yeah, you said it was alright.”

“And it is! This is as much your BBQ as it is mine.”

“Well, I am just piggy-backing off your idea.”

“Pfft! That’s because I always have the best ideas.”

Both Sana and Mariam snorted at that.

“I’m going outside where my talents will be appreciated.”

“By whom? The garden gnome?” Sana called out to his departing figure.

His response was to stick up his middle finger, knowing that their mum couldn’t see from where she was slicing aubergines for the aubergine and chickpea salad she was making.

By the time Sana had finished helping in the kitchen all of Elias’ friends were outside helping to decorate the garden. Adam and Mikael were standing precariously on chairs, hanging strings of lights and lanterns in the trees whilst Elias set up a sound system just under her balcony.

Before she could search out Yousef, an arm grasped her arm from behind and spun her around. “I’m very jealous that Isak got to see you _twice_ before I even got to lay eyes on your beautiful face,” Even said, pulling her in for a quick hug.

“Hey,” she said beaming. It was one thing knowing that Even was friends once more with the boys, but it was another thing seeing him there looking so at home once more. “It’s so good to see you and here.”

“You, too, Sanasol.”

“Not you as well?”

“I can’t help it. The nickname is infectious.”

“It’s a vitamin brand.”

“Therefore perfect. Sounds like the sun and is good for your body at the same time. Everything about that screams Sana Bakkoush.”

“Isak has tainted you. Congratulations, by the way. Did you have a good night on Friday? Has Isak even surfaced yet? I did check for alcohol poisoning before leaving.”

Even tipped his head back and laughed and she admired how carefree and happy he was now. Gone was the slightly nervous look he always seemed to have before and she loved that almost six years of dating Isak had helped him this much.

“How are you, though? Settling back into Oslo?”

“Yeah,” she said a little subdued. “It’s been nice to reconnect with the girls and Isak. I missed them.”

“They missed you, too. Isak definitely did. He uses the WWSS method when studying for biology.”

“WWSS?”

“What would Sana say.”

She rolled her eyes. “He doesn’t!”

“He totally does! He claims that biology just doesn’t land in his head as well if he’s not imagining you explaining it to him.”

“That boy!” she said affectionately.

“Well, now you can check that he’s been using the WWSS system effectively these past five years.”

Smiling widely, she said, “I can! He better not have been misinterpreting me in his head.”

Even laughed again before a more sombre expression appeared on his face. “And you’re okay? Really okay?”

That was the million dollar question, but she felt confident in answering it. “I am. Or at least I will be. I’m getting there.”

“If you need to talk, I’m here, you know that, right? I know what it’s like to have your world cave in and to think that you cannot turn to your friends.”

She nodded. Even did understand more than anyone else in her life. He had even had a mishap with a kiss albeit in very different circumstances.

“Have you spoken to Yousef?”

Throwing her hands up in the air, she exclaimed, “What? Does everyone know?!”

“He wasn’t particularly subtle even back when we were kids,” Even said. “Also he kind of fell apart when you left. He couldn’t talk to the other boys about it, but he did to me. He was worried about you and Elias refused to give him any answers and the lack of knowledge ate away at him.”

Guilt flooded through her at Even’s words. She thought about how anxious she would be if Yousef had just disappeared on her. How not knowing his fate would burn her insides and keep her up at night.

“I didn’t mean for Elias to refuse to tell him anything.”

“I know. I think even Yousef knows that deep down. Elias loves his friends but it’s nothing to how he loves you and if one of us hurts you then Elias won’t cut us any slack.”

“He did hurt me,” she said softly.

“The kiss with Noora?”

“I saw it and just all my inadequacies came rising up about how I was never going to be good enough. Why would he want me when he could have someone like Noora?”

“Sana-” came a strangled voice behind her.

Even had been looking down at her, but he looked behind her then and his eyes widened comically so even if she hadn’t recognised the voice, felt it vibrate deep in her soul, then she would have known who was behind her.

She closed her eyes briefly. She wasn’t sure she was ready to do this now, but then she wasn’t sure she would ever be ready to do this.

“Yousef,” she said, turning around and flinching a little at the sheer agony on his face.

“I’ll leave you both to talk,” Even murmured, making a quick exit.

“I can’t do this here,” she said. Not in front of her brother and all his friends and with hers on the way.

“Will you take a walk with me?” he asked, his voice low and intimate.

She nodded and her heart pounded at the shadow of a smile he gave her then. Slipping off, out of the garden, they walked silently down her street with no direction in mind. The atmosphere was heavy between them and she struggled to work out just how to initiate this conversation with him.

Taking a deep breath, she started to say something – anything to alleviate the awful silence engulfing them. Of course, he would chose that very same moment to talk as well and they both cut themselves off awkwardly.

“You first,” he said. “I don’t want to try and imagine what you are thinking anymore. I want you to tell me.”

She appreciated that. It was rare that people actually wanted to hear from her rather than speaking over her or for her.

“You’re not still anrgy with me? You were so angry the other day.”

Yousef sighed then and said, “I can never be angry with you, Sana. No matter how hard I try and make myself.”

“I was angry with you for kissing Noora,” she muttered. “So angry and it wasn’t even fair?”

“Wasn’t it?” he asked with a sad expression on his face.

“You didn’t owe me anything.”

He stopped walking then and placed his hand on her shoulder so she would turn and face him. She realised then that they had subconsciously headed towards the park and were standing not far from the Basketball court that had witnessed two important conversations between them already. “But I did. I pursued you and then I kissed your friend. And I will always regret that to my dying day.”

The hurt of his actions five years ago rushed back, making her chest ache with how painful remembering that moment still was and she shoved him a little, allowing the distress that his actions had caused to surface. “Why did you do that? Why did you kiss Noora? How could you do that to me?”

He ran a hand through his hair and said, “I wasn’t thinking straight. I was so in love with you and I thought I had a chance after that Friday night and then suddenly you blocked me on Facebook and I didn’t understand why. Then Elias told me how you’d invited us all to that party and you’d asked specifically for me to come and my hopes rose again. Maybe, it was a misunderstanding. You’d blocked me by accident or something and then I saw Even there and I realised you’d invited us for him. And then Isak hit Mikael and Elias jumped in and I just stopped being able to think. I went to get you to help break up the fight because we all know Elias listens to you the most and I meant to follow you outside, I did, but Noora was looking as if she’d been run over by a bus so I asked if she was okay and the next thing I know, she’s spilling her heart out about her ex-boyfriend and kissing me.”

“Why didn’t you push her away? Why did you kiss her back? I saw you, Yousef, and you were kissing her.”

“Because I’m an idiot. I’m an idiot who thought the girl I love didn’t want me and so I kissed someone else and drove her away completely.”

“Love?” she said, getting stuck on the present tense that he’d used. He hadn’t said loved but love and her heart nearly exploded out of her chest in anticipation.

“I could never stop loving you, Sana,” he said softly, his hand coming out to brush gently down her cheek. “Not even when I tried my hardest to.”

“Not even after those texts and my disappearance?”

“Not even then,” he swore.

“But you were so angry with me the other day.”

“I was confused. Seeing you again was both heaven and hell. I’d existed in an emotional vacuum for so long and then suddenly you were in front of me and although I never stopped loving you, I’d managed to push those feelings down. I was able to get on with my everyday life, see Elias, hang out at your house and not think about you every single second of the time I was there, but then you were there again, standing in by the front door and all that love came bubbling back up, but you looked so calm and collected as if it was nothing. As if seeing me again was nothing and I couldn’t handle that. I couldn’t be in the same place as you and know you’d moved on.”

“Calm and collected?” she queried, teasingly. “My heart was racing so hard I thought I was going to start hyperventilating.”

“Really?” he said, surprised.

Then he stepped in closer to her until he was only a hairsbreadth away and she was overwhelmed by just how close he was. Every time she took a breath she could smell the cologne he’d put on and she could feel the warmth radiating off him. Hesitantly raising her eyes to meet his, she was taken back by just intense his gaze was. There was so much emotion staring back at her that she struggled to pull in the air she needed to breathe.

“Is it too late?” he murmured quietly. “Did I screw up my chance with you or can you look past five years ago and gives us another go?”

Reaching out, she placed her hand on his chest and said, “Can you forgive me for running away rather than confronting you?”

“I forgave you the moment I saw you again.”

“I never stopped loving you either,” she confessed. “I wanted to but I couldn’t forget you and I couldn’t move on.”

“Did you really think I would choose Noora over you?”

She nodded then, unable to voice just how bad her self-esteem had been – still was at times.

He cupped her jaw. “No one could ever match you, Sana Bakkoush, _no one_!”

With a small sob, she flung her arms around him and pressed her face into his shoulder. His arms engulfed her, tugging her tightly against him and he kissed the top of her head before resting his cheek against her hijab.

She had no idea how long they stood like that, but eventually they pulled apart, smiling softly at each other. She didn’t think she had been as peaceful as she was at this moment in five years. Her mind was no longer whirling, thinking about people miles away in another city as it had the whole time she’d been in Trondheim and her stomach wasn’t twisted up with regrets. This was the resolution she’d been waiting for, but however much she wanted to bask in this moment, in his presence, and in the way he was looking at her with such impossible tenderness, she knew she had to explain some things to him. Lack of communication was always her flaw, but if she truly wanted to give something with Yousef a go, then she needed to be honest with him.

“There’s some things I need to explain to you,” she said, taking his hand and tugging him over to the low wall where she’d sat once before and he’d given her scyllas.

“It wasn’t just you the reason why I left. There were so many things going on and I just got overwhelmed,” she started, her voice low. “Did Elias or Noora ever tell you any of this?”

Yousef grimaced. “Elias wouldn’t tell me anything and just looked like he wanted to punch me every time I brought your name up. Noora said there had been some problems at school and that you’d disappeared.”

“I was bullied back in Middle School,” she said, gripping his hand tightly. “I would get messages online, text messages, nasty threatening phone calls and names hissed at me when I would walk past people in the schoolyard.”

He put his arm around her shoulders, bringing her close into him and she rested her head on his shoulder, allowing his warmth to bring her strength to tell him everything.

“It made me so angry because I wasn’t hated for my personality but because I was Moroccan and a Muslim. I closed myself off and allowed that anger to dictate me and I got into fights and pulled into the principal’s office and had a social worker assigned to me. None of the people bullying me did, I was considered the problem. The girl who stood out and dealt with things via my fists. When I got to Nissen, I kept my guard up but somehow managed to make friends. Girls like me who didn’t really fit in anywhere for one reason or another. Slowly, I began to let them in and started to feel confident about myself once more. I was a good friend, I was someone people liked and wanted to spend time with. This confidence allowed me to be more open about how much I liked you. To smile back and flirt with you rather than just pretend you were one of my brother’s friends,” she said with a small look up at him.

He was watching her steadily with no judgement on his face, just understanding. His arm around her shoulder tightened a little, offering her unspoken support.

“But then some girls we merged buses with started to treat me differently once more. It was small things that none of my friends picked up. The looks when the adhaan would go on my phone, the emphasis on being normal Norwegian girls, laughing when I would come to talk to one of them. All the small micro-aggressions that I thought I had put behind me. It brought back all my insecurities and when I mentioned one or two things to my friends, they acted like I was paranoid and imagining things. But I wasn’t. I overheard a couple of the Pepsi Max girls talking in the bathroom about how they were going to kick me off the bus, how I was a psycho along with Elias, but that my friends were fine – fun and pretty and white. Then when I came out I saw you and Noora kissing.”

She snuck another peek up to his face to see how he took that and was taken aback by the sheer sorrow. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice husky with regret. “If I could go back and fix it, I would.”

Smiling a little, she said, “I know. But at the time all I could think was that of course you hadn’t been interested in me. Why would you when Noora was right there – all blonde and beautiful and happy.”

“How could I look at anyone else when you were around, Sana? You are so smart and beautiful and witty and when you smile it puts the sun itself to shame.”

“When did you get so cheesy?” she asked with a roll of her eyes, but her voice shook a little giving away just how much his words meant to her.

“When I fell in love with the most beautiful girl in Oslo.”

She couldn’t help her blush or her grin then and he looked delighted at getting that reaction.

“So cheesy,” she muttered before continuing with her explanation. “But yeah, I just couldn’t take any more. I needed to get away. To go somewhere where I didn’t have to deal with all the hurt. I spewed all my anger out on everyone and then deleted every way anyone could contact me and went to Hicham.”

“But you came back,” he said.

“I couldn’t stay away anymore,” she confessed. “I couldn’t move on with my life in Trondheim. I was didn’t make any new friends, too scarred from my last experience and I wasn’t interested in any of the boys there. I was just existing not living.”

“And now?” he asked.

“Now I’m living again,” she said, raising her eyes to his once more.

He smiled tenderly at her and opened his mouth to say more but his phone started to ring, followed shortly by hers. Pulling apart, they smiled a little sheepishly at each other.

“It’s Elias,” Yousef said, getting to his phone first.

“Chris,” she commented before answering her phone.

_“Girl, where are you? We’ve been here an hour already.”_

Standing up, biting her lip and turning away from where she could see Yousef rolling his eyes at whatever Elias was saying down the phone to him, she said, “I’m coming back.”

_“Talking to Yousef?”_

“Yeah”

_“So?”_

She grinned. “It went well.”

Chris whooped down the phone and she blushed as she could hear her friend yelling out to the others that Sana got her man.

_“Get your ass back here. We want_ all _the details.”_

“I don’t know. I think I might want to spend more time alone with Yousef. We have five years to make up for.”

_“Don’t even try it. We will track you down. You can spend tomorrow with him. Right now you have a garden full of curious and hungry people. If Yousef doesn’t come back then Isak is threatening to put the meat on the grill.”_

“Okay, okay. To save you the disaster of Isak cooking, we’ll come back.”

Hanging up she turned back to Yousef. “Have you been summoned back too?”

“On pain of death,” he said with a wry smile.

When they walked back into the garden, hand-in-hand, all their friends cheered. Embarrassed, Sana turned her face into Yousef’s chest and could feel him shaking with laughter. His arm went around her and squeezed her shoulders gently.

“Hey, that’s _not_ an arm’s distance away, bro!” Elias called out, irritated.

“Hush,” Adam said. “Let them live. It’s been five years! Five years of Yousef moping over Sana and that’s not counting the years before where he had a crush on her.”

“Right,” Yousef said, obviously keen to shut Adam up. “Let’s get the food on!”

A cheer went up from the others, but Sana, stepping away from him and towards her friends, said, “Moping? I want all the details on that.”

“Later,” he said and she grinned as she realised she had a later with him.

 

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on [tumblr](http://rumaan.tumblr.com/) should you wish


End file.
